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  • Parinitha MN

The voices in my head, have voices in their heads.


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7am. I catch a ray of sunlight reflecting off my mirror and barely reaching the edge of my foot. Wake up, a voice inside me yelled. Psst.. go back to sleep said another. You don’t wake up before the sun’s almost set anyway. That’s a lie, said the voice again. I’m too sleepy to enjoy this argument anymore. Turned around and pulled the blanket over my head.


12pm. I lazily get off my bed and drag myself to the washroom. This is not a good day, said the voice again. What?! This is going to be an awesome day, argued the other. GOD. Stop it, I said aloud. You’d think I’m losing my mind at this point. We’re all a little insane. I have a dream. Unlike a lot of lazy people who walk around like their desk job is the best thing that happened to them. The safe players. The ‘I-know-it-all’s. Where do I stand? Does this mind boggling maze ever end? This constant battle of making yourself believe that you are different, you are better, you are courageous and what not. I stare at the mirror. Not sure any of my voices have a thing to say at this point. Silence is golden, I thought. I haven’t had a decent nights sleep in months, maybe more. This is going to get better, it has to.


1pm. Did I just yawn? Coffee, both the voices yelled in unison. Exactly what I needed. A big mug. As I walked around my studio, where my only company is music, I look around, squinting. This is my home. I’ve worked on every corner of this place. I smile. I get to work. I’ve got a few tasks to tick off my list today. This is it.


4pm. Wait. What! Three hours flew by? Wow. I’m done for the day, I decide. I walk around the house aimlessly. My landline rings. Yes, we still have those around. Answer it, said one voice. No way! Someone’s going to ask you how much money you’ve made since you started your business or why you aren’t getting married, cried the other. I run away. Classic escapism, I thought. Ah, who cares anyway?


5pm. I think I’m going to have another cup of coffee. This is ridiculous, no its not. Yes it is. No, its a necessity. Oh whatever.


5.30pm. As I’m still lazily sipping my almost dead and cold coffee I start to wonder, is my mind ever going to be at peace? Or is it going to be this continuous battle of the Dreamer vs the Idealist, till I die? Calm down, said the dreamer. I’m here for you. Ya, well, so am I, said the other voice, the Idealist. I shut my eyes, tight, in a defeated attempt to silence the voices.


7pm. Is it dinner time? I’m hungry, I thought. Don’t eat now, you’re going to stay awake way past midnight. You’re going to get hungry again. So what! Lets have two meals, argued the voices. Do these two ever agree on anything? NO!


8.30pm. I finally give into my hunger at this point and start gorging. Quite unlike me. Did someone say stress?


9pm. Listen to music, I thought. Bam! Headphones on, the whole world out. If only! How do I escape these voices in my head? The Buddhists say ‘Inside each one of us are two wolves. Which wolf wins? The one we feed most’. I need these two wolves in my head. I don’t seem to have a way of functioning without them. The Dreamer and the Idealist. One tells me ‘even the sky isn’t the limit’ and the other gives me solid ground to walk on. One is yin, the other yang. Totally interdependent and I’d be at sea without them. Sure they drive me crazy. Every minute of every day. But who would’ve got me back on my feet after I felt dejected and lost! Who would make me realize I AM enough, my work is going to get better. I am happy, I am going to be happier, and all this is temporary. Who would make me see the silver lining on a cloudy day! Who would remind me that failure is a stepping stone and never permanent! Don’t make me cry, said one voice. What a drama queen, said the other. Some of us have these voices inside us. Some of these voices, are people. Your family, your best-friends, your partner, a random person on the internet, whoever. And they remind you, come what may, never give up on your dream. The harder it gets, the better you get. You ARE different. You need to be odd to be number One. These days, months or even years of struggle will make you smile and gloat with pride when you stand and look back. Don’t lose hope. Don’t listen to the negative opinions. You’ll always be too much or too less for others. Your people are not going to leave your side and you’ve got wings to fly. Your mind is going to be racing every minute of every day and will rarely be at peace. You’ll have sleepless nights. You’ll work 20 hours on some days and want to be idle for the next 14 weeks. Your mind is going to force you to be patient and have a positive mindset through it all. What doesn’t kill you, gives you amazing coping mechanisms.


11.45pm. Did I just fall asleep?! Oh, well, you over stress yourself, said one voice. You need a vacation, shrieked the other. Rolling my eyes, I think to myself, I need peace. I fall asleep. This time for real.


6.30am. As I’m tossing in my sleep, I slowly open my eyes. Wake up, Rise and Shine, said one voice. Before the other voice could say a word, I pull the blanket over my head and turn over.


11am. I decide to wake up and smell the coffee. I think, Today’s going to be a good day. Finally, we couldn’t help but agree.

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